When others are not

April 2006

It is universally accepted that women are attracted to confident men.

I know from my own experience that when I am walking down the street, happy with the way I look, maybe a smile on my face, I get a response. It works. It worked the night I met Maggie. That night, I was 'on fire' and the women loved me.

Why is it though, that so often, my confidence is lacking? What makes the difference between a good day and a bad day? Is it just my appearance?

I don't think it is.

In January, the day I was told I was to be made redundant, I had a date with Barbara. It was the first time we met. I should have been feeling depressed about my job, and nervous about meeting her for the first time. But I was quite the opposite; articulate, witty, funny, cheeky and full to the brim with confidence. I was wearing the same clothes I'd worn on at least the last three dates. By the end of the evening, Barbara was already a little in love with me.

Contrast that with Olga, a month earlier. I left work that day, having just won a major victory against my arch rival Floyd. After a lengthy exchange of emails, in which he became increasingly aggressive and I (thankfully) kept my cool, I managed to demonstrate that I was totally correct in all respects. And to make matters even better, due to Floyd's habit of copying emails to a wide audience, my vindication was seen by many, including our boss. So why was it that when I met Olga, later that day, I was tongue tied, shy, introvert and clearly very self conscious?

I could have had a relationship with Barbara, but with Olga, I screwed it up. And yet, it was Olga who initially approached me, she made the first move, she arranged the date.

Olga was more intelligent and attractive than Barbara, she had a wider circle of friends, more interests, a successful career, a full life. She didn't seem to need anyone else. Olga was very confident, Barbara much less so.

Is that it then? Is that the key? Am I more confident, when others are not?