Always wanting more

December 2002

'Of course I did honey'
'So why didn't you tell me how old you are before?'
'Honey, I told you already, all the girls in Hong Kong never admit their age. And as you said before, age was not important to you'
'It isn't important, except that, had I known your real age, I wouldn't have asked you to take that pill the other day' I lied.

'But honey, it doesn't matter right? We can have the baby anytime. It's no big deal, right?
'Well I feel very unhappy about it now'
'Ok honey, we will have a baby when you come next week, how about that?' She giggled nervously.
'Look, I have to go, I have a meeting now' Another lie.
'Ok honey, I love you'
'Bye'

No sooner had I put down the phone, than I already regretted the whole conversation, immediately wanting to call her straight back. This was our lowest point to date, we had never come close to arguing before, and now I had a horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach.

I began to wonder if I'd pushed things to far. No doubt she would be thinking about what I'd said. Maybe she would decide that I was not the man she'd thought me to be. The truth was, I didn't know how she would react, indeed I hardly knew her at all.

At the time, I don't think I could have explained what it was I was looking for. When Maggie expressed her love for me, in words or writing; told me that she had never loved someone like this before, or said that she couldn't live without me; the feeling it gave me was like a drug coursing through my veins. And like any addict, I was always wanting more.