Friday, June 23, 2006

Always wanting more

December 2002

'Of course I did honey'
'So why didn't you tell me how old you are before?'
'Honey, I told you already, all the girls in Hong Kong never admit their age. And as you said before, age was not important to you'
'It isn't important, except that, had I known your real age, I wouldn't have asked you to take that pill the other day' I lied.

'But honey, it doesn't matter right? We can have the baby anytime. It's no big deal, right?
'Well I feel very unhappy about it now'
'Ok honey, we will have a baby when you come next week, how about that?' She giggled nervously.
'Look, I have to go, I have a meeting now' Another lie.
'Ok honey, I love you'

No sooner had I put down the phone, than I already regretted the whole conversation, immediately wanting to call her straight back. This was our lowest point to date, we had never come close to arguing before, and now I had a horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach.

I began to wonder if I'd pushed things to far. No doubt she would be thinking about what I'd said. Maybe she would decide that I was not the man she'd thought me to be. The truth was, I didn't know how she would react, indeed I hardly knew her at all.

At the time, I don't think I could have explained what it was I was looking for. When Maggie expressed her love for me, in words or writing; told me that she had never loved someone like this before, or said that she couldn't live without me; the feeling it gave me was like a drug coursing through my veins. And like any addict, I was always wanting more.


Blogger Anali said...

It must bring up a lot of emotions as you tell us this story. Is it like living it again?

1:30 am  
Blogger theresa said...

I'm struck by the paradox of the story and the story-teller. In the story, you enjoy being the hero. You are addicted to her absolute love and admiration. To remain in that role, you hide the parts of yourself from the person you should have an open, honest, intimate relationship with. Yet here, as you tell the story today, you lay yourself naked, for all to see your weaknesses. This seems to be your confessional. I hope you find the redemption you're looking for. As a reader, I'm moved by your honesty.

4:24 am  

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