Now what?

February 2003

Later when we spoke it was immediately apparent that her mood was very subdued. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked
‘I think I have the cold’ she said, ‘and so tired’

It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I was hoping she would repeat the sentiments of her email.
‘You still have the cold? You seemed ok when were in China.’
‘Maybe. I don’t know. I think I just need to sleep’
‘Did you sleep well last night?’
‘No not well. You are not there’
‘Do you think you will sleep alright tonight?’
‘I think so. I am so tired’

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear either, I began to feel a little irritated. I wanted to know that she felt as empty as I did, as if her pain would alleviate mine.

‘Lets not talk so long tonight’ I suggested
‘It is ok honey, I want to talk, it is the highlight of my day’
‘But if you are tired, babe’
‘Do you have to work?’
‘Don’t worry about work. Do you need to sleep?’
‘Ok honey, but can talk too, for a while’

I was trying to punish her. And yet I wondered; why did she agree so easily? Why didn’t she put up more of a fight? Didn’t she miss me as much as I missed her?

‘Look babe, do you need to sleep?’
‘Well maybe if I sleep early tonight, will be better tomorrow, then we can talk longer then’
‘So that will be ok for you then, will it?’
‘Honey, I can talk now if you want, or try to sleep. I am flexible. You decide’

‘If you need to sleep, then sleep. I don’t want to keep you awake.
‘Ok then, I will try to sleep, but is ok if you want to talk’
‘I may have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, so don’t know what time I can call’ I lied.
‘Don’t worry honey, just call when you can, I understand’.
‘Good bye’
‘Bye honey, miss you’

I put down the phone feeling worse than before. Now what?