Tough

February 2003

I resisted the temptation to call her. But what was I going to do in the afternoon? Whilst in the UK now, my whole days were geared around my phone call to Maggie and I really didn’t want to wait until the following day until I could speak to her.

On the other hand, I wanted to punish her. Punish her because I felt bad. Punish her for not giving me the reassurances I’d sought. But to punish her, I had to punish myself. And I couldn’t even be sure that the punishment would be a punishment to her at all.

I was working in the local office again, an unpopular decision. I had a pile of work to do, but no inclination to do it. Emails kept coming, but remained unanswered.

I have to be strong, I told myself. Tough. I have to be tough. I’ve been very tough in the past. It was time to do it again. I needed to win back the position of dominance I’d enjoyed in the early stages of this relationship. At the moment I could feel it slipping away.

But how? What would give me the upper hand?

At 3pm I called her. ‘Meeting is delayed’ I lied, ‘so I might be called away at any time’
‘Ok honey, I understand. You know I always like to hear your voice. You can call anytime. Sometimes I can’t wait, so maybe you could call earlier, when I get home from work’
‘Unfortunately, that’s not usually a very convenient time’ Another lie.
‘Well if you can’t call then just send me a text, if I get something from you, I will feel more secure. But honey don’t worry. Work is much important for a man. You see I am the reasonable person’