My apology

January 2003

Both laughing, we exchanged notes. We were both of the same mind, as I knew we would be.

She leant towards me, and gave me a big kiss. 'I am so happy' she said, 'time to make love now'.

It wasn't until nearly 2am that we settled down for the night. And after just a few minutes, I felt her sinking gently into sleep. Maybe, it was the drink, maybe the jet lag, but I could not relax. Instead I just lie there, thinking, as the hours slipped by.

Later that day, I would be giving Maggie a gift, a very expensive gift, that would demonstrate a commitment I had no right to make. I'd now made two trips to Hong Kong to see her, it didn't seem possible that I could make a third. so in all probability the relationship would have to end on my return to the UK. What else could I do? I couldn't see how it could go any further.

So why had I agreed on such an expensive gift? When I thought about it, I realised it could only hurt her more. How would she suffer when the truth finally became apparent?

This gift was not a commitment, it was not the promise of a long and happy future. For two months now, I had been misleading this woman, who slept so easily in my arms. So many lies, so many false promises, so much deception.

As I lay in that hotel bed, unable to sleep, six thousand miles from home, I told myself that this gift could only be one thing. At that moment it became my apology.