Thursday, September 14, 2006

I wanted

January 2003

As is my usual habit on a Monday, I set of for work early the next morning in an attempt to avoid the worst of the traffic. I had a long drive in front of me, two and a half hours, if I was lucky.

I felt extremely agitated, the events of the previous day dominated my thoughts, I couldn't interpret them. I'd known Maggie for less than three months, and for most of that time there had been very little to disturb our happiness.

Also I was very disappointed with the way I'd behaved after the line had been cut. I knew I shouldn't have called her back. And then having done so, I made the mistake of showing my anger, and then when her reaction wasn't as I'd hoped it would be, I'd punished her by threatening to cancel our next meeting.

And now, despite the voicemails she'd left me overnight, I felt very uncertain about the reception I'd get when we next spoke. I just didn't know her well enough.

I kept telling myself, perhaps it was for the best if she just ended it now. The relationship couldn't continue for much longer anyway, and if she broke up with me, then surely she could have no reason to reproach me. She couldn't then say I'd just used her for fun, a business man's play thing. It would solve a lot of problems, and little blame could attach itself to me, but still, in truth, I didn't want that. I didn't want her to break up with me.

I knew she would be at work at this hour, and so would not be able to call me, as she was a little scared of the office manager, and would not risk being caught making personal calls. And yet, on that morning, I wanted her to take that risk. I wanted her to feel that she couldn't wait another eight hours for my call, I wanted her to be so worried, she would forget her usual caution. I wanted to hear her say 'honey, I can't live without you'

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