Thursday, September 21, 2006

My mood

January 2003

'Do you know how upset I was? Do you know my heart was broken when you say you don't want to see me?'
'I didn't say I don't want to see you. Of course I want to.'
'You said we cannot meet for Chinese New Year. So you don't want to see me. I never expect that from you. So disappointed. I never believe you will say that.'
'Babe, you misunderstood me'

We talked for another half an hour on this subject, and although she eventually said that she accepted my version of events, I wasn't convinced. So I asked:

'So what do you want to do?'
'I want to meet you up, as we said we would'
I pushed further, 'About us?'
'Nothing. As you say, you still want to meet up. Everyone deserves second chance. I was upset this time, but I believe it will not happen again. So back to normal'

That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her to say that our misunderstanding was her fault. I didn't want a stain on what I thought was a very clean image.

'I can't accept that I made you so unhappy. I never wanted that. How can I forgive myself, when you say your heart is broken. If I do so again, then I must walk away'
'Honey, what does that mean?..... walk away? When you always promise me that we will be together forever?'
'It means that I don't deserve you. Can't you see that I just want to make you happy?'

It didn't help. And no matter how much I prompted her, I didn't get the response I wanted. I only succeeded in making her unhappy, and myself equally so. Although we talked for another hour, my mood did not really get any better.

The conversation ended shortly after Maggie said 'I will agree to what you say, you come to Hong Kong, if you can for New Year'


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