Might have ended differently

January 2003

The conversation hadn’t made me feel much better. Although Maggie kept saying that she wanted to be with me. I just didn’t want her idolized view of me to be spoilt in anyway. And equally, I had no idea how to make sure that it wasn’t.

That night, I had arranged to have dinner with Lucia. She was back in the UK, and I’d decided she would not return to Shanghai, after the incident we’d had a month earlier.

I wasn’t really in the mood, as we walked toward the High Street, so I knew even before we sat down that the evening would be a difficult one.

Really there was only one topic of conversation for us, but clearly neither of us wanted broach it. Actually I was really hoping she would; I wanted to hear her say that her feelings hadn’t changed. If she had, then I think perhaps the evening might have ended differently.

As it happened, she didn’t mention it, and there remained an awkward sadness between us. Fortunately, the Indian restaurant we’d chosen wasn’t busy, and so the food was served quickly. We struggled to find things to say, I asked whether she had enjoyed the Christmas break.

At the end of the evening, I drove her back to her lodgings. ‘So this is where I live now’ She said.
‘Is it ok?’ I asked
‘Oh yes, its fine. Anyway, its only weekdays’
I wanted to say, ‘I do have some feelings for you’. Not because I did, but because things seemed uncertain with Maggie, I wanted Lucia to make me feel better. I wanted her to touch me.

Instead though, I simple said ‘goodnight’