My mood

January 2003

'Do you know how upset I was? Do you know my heart was broken when you say you don't want to see me?'
'I didn't say I don't want to see you. Of course I want to.'
'You said we cannot meet for Chinese New Year. So you don't want to see me. I never expect that from you. So disappointed. I never believe you will say that.'
'Babe, you misunderstood me'

We talked for another half an hour on this subject, and although she eventually said that she accepted my version of events, I wasn't convinced. So I asked:

'So what do you want to do?'
'I want to meet you up, as we said we would'
I pushed further, 'About us?'
'Nothing. As you say, you still want to meet up. Everyone deserves second chance. I was upset this time, but I believe it will not happen again. So back to normal'

That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her to say that our misunderstanding was her fault. I didn't want a stain on what I thought was a very clean image.

'I can't accept that I made you so unhappy. I never wanted that. How can I forgive myself, when you say your heart is broken. If I do so again, then I must walk away'
'Honey, what does that mean?..... walk away? When you always promise me that we will be together forever?'
'It means that I don't deserve you. Can't you see that I just want to make you happy?'

It didn't help. And no matter how much I prompted her, I didn't get the response I wanted. I only succeeded in making her unhappy, and myself equally so. Although we talked for another hour, my mood did not really get any better.

The conversation ended shortly after Maggie said 'I will agree to what you say, you come to Hong Kong, if you can for New Year'

No mood today, at all

January 2003

The hours passed slowly, and I didn't receive any further emails from Maggie. I knew she didn't always get chance to look at email in the office, especially when her boss was in town, and at 6pm she would probably have gone home.

Perhaps she would call me when she got home, that would be around 10.30am. Every time I returned to my desk I asked the secretary 'any calls?'. There were plenty, but none that I wanted to answer.

I wanted to call. The day was wasting away. I had so many things to do; it was financial year end I was in charge and deadlines were looming. And all I could think about was; what was Maggie thinking? How would she react?

Angela called, 'we need to finish the accounts' she said, 'we have a lot to do, to get the reports issued and I have auditors asking questions every few minutes, what's going on?' I gave her promises; tonight, tomorrow morning, everything was 'in hand'.

It wouldn't take long, once I applied my mind. But at the moment, that wasn't possible. I knew, I was being ridiculous. Why did I imagine she might end the relationship? And why was I worried about it? It had to end sooner or later, of that there was no doubt.

I went out for lunch, and walked around the dismall town, so grey, so cold, so full of people as always, people who knew nothing of Maggie. I bought a sandwich, but threw most of it away, it was like biting through cardboard. I had to call her.

Lucia stepped into my office and started to talk to me. I wanted to ask her, 'do you still want me?'. Maybe she could help me to forget about Maggie. But I just said, 'can I come and see you later?'

At 3pm I called her.

'Hi'
'Hi honey'
'How are you, I've been worried? Did you get my email?'
'No I didn't. No mood today, at all. Honey, I want to ask you'

Walk away

January 2003

By the time I arrived at the office my impatience was boiling over. If she'd called at that moment, and just told me to get lost, it would have been a relief, at least the wait, the uncertainty, would be at an end.

But why was I feeling uncertain? After all, surely her voicemails should have made me feel secure.

I sat down, logged on, and went straight to my email. There were two from Maggie. The first said:

'Honey, if you think it is better to delay my trip to UK then I will accept, so let me know what you want to do.

But tell me honey, do you have some reason why I cannot meet you in UK. Whatever it is we can discuss, you know I am reasonable person'

The second said:

'Honey, so heart breaking that you say you don't want to see me as we planned. Never before have I been upset in this way. Do you know my heart is broken?'

They didn't make me any happier. My agitation grew, I opened other email but I couldn't read them, colleagues knocked on my door but I was unable to listen. Now I had even more reasons to worry; had her perception of me changed? Was I no longer the loving guy she'd always taken me for? If so, how would this change our relationship? Did we still have a relationship?

I replied to her note:

'Babe, I just thought it better to postpone your visit here, as I would really like to introduce to my Mother. I was so angry when she told me she would be away when you planned your visit.
I hope you know, I never want to break your heart, I never want to hurt you. If you say I have broken your heart again, then maybe it is best if I just walk away'

I wanted

January 2003

As is my usual habit on a Monday, I set of for work early the next morning in an attempt to avoid the worst of the traffic. I had a long drive in front of me, two and a half hours, if I was lucky.

I felt extremely agitated, the events of the previous day dominated my thoughts, I couldn't interpret them. I'd known Maggie for less than three months, and for most of that time there had been very little to disturb our happiness.

Also I was very disappointed with the way I'd behaved after the line had been cut. I knew I shouldn't have called her back. And then having done so, I made the mistake of showing my anger, and then when her reaction wasn't as I'd hoped it would be, I'd punished her by threatening to cancel our next meeting.

And now, despite the voicemails she'd left me overnight, I felt very uncertain about the reception I'd get when we next spoke. I just didn't know her well enough.

I kept telling myself, perhaps it was for the best if she just ended it now. The relationship couldn't continue for much longer anyway, and if she broke up with me, then surely she could have no reason to reproach me. She couldn't then say I'd just used her for fun, a business man's play thing. It would solve a lot of problems, and little blame could attach itself to me, but still, in truth, I didn't want that. I didn't want her to break up with me.

I knew she would be at work at this hour, and so would not be able to call me, as she was a little scared of the office manager, and would not risk being caught making personal calls. And yet, on that morning, I wanted her to take that risk. I wanted her to feel that she couldn't wait another eight hours for my call, I wanted her to be so worried, she would forget her usual caution. I wanted to hear her say 'honey, I can't live without you'

Forget it

January 2003

My resolve lasted little more than a few minutes, and against my better judgement, I called her back.

‘Why did your sister cut me off?’
‘She was trying to give me back the phone, but she pressed the button by mistake. She says she is sorry’
‘So why not call me back’
‘I tried, honey, but couldn’t get connection. Your phone must be switched off’
‘No babe’
‘Honey, why don’t you call later? Sister doesn’t like to have dinner interrupted. It doesn’t matter what time, I will wait up’
‘You know I can’t do that. I needed to talk to you now’
‘Honey, I want to talk to you too, but sister will be unhappy’
‘Well it was important. I needed to discuss my trip. Let’s just forget it shall we? I’ll speak to you tomorrow. Bye’
‘Honey?………..’
‘Bye’
‘Bye honey’

I switched off my phone.

The afternoon wasn’t much fun. I didn’t enjoy the pantomime, the actors were old and the jokes were older. And during the meal, I found it difficult to concentrate on any conversation, I was completely preoccupied. I’d behaved badly, I knew that, and I couldn’t think how I could turn the situation around. And I didn’t know Maggie well enough to be sure that I would be given the chance.

It was 9pm before I got home that evening. There was nothing more I could do. I just had to wait until the morning. Should I call her, or wait to see if she would call me?

Just before going to bed, I switched on my phone. I had two voicemails. Both of which were from Maggie. The first said:

‘Honey, I can’t sleep. I miss you. I want to talk to you. Did you mean that you don’t want to see me for Chinese New Year? So unhappy to hear you say that’

The next simply said:

‘Honey, I love you’

Ever

January 2003

Two days after my return from Hong Kong, I called Maggie earlier than was usual; it was a little after midday. I was going to the theatre that afternoon, and then for dinner, and would not get another chance to call that day.

There was no answer from her home number, so I called her mobile. As soon as she answered, I could tell from the level of background noise that she must be out to dinner with her family.

‘Hi babe’
‘Oh hi honey’
‘Am I disturbing you?’
‘I am having dinner with Mother and Sister, but its ok, still can talk’
‘It’s just I can’t call later, I am going out with my Mother, and I wanted to talk about your trip to UK’ I lied.
‘Ok honey, no problem, I always want to hear your voice’
‘Well, the thing is, I spoke to my Mother earlier and she says she won’t be in the UK when you are here. And then, you know, end of January will still be very cold here. So I was thinking that perhaps it was better if I come to Hong Kong again this time, and we delay your trip for a couple of months. What do you think?’
‘Is something wrong honey? Do you have some reason why you don’t want me to come to UK?
‘No, of course not. Its just that……….’
‘Just a minute honey, sister wants to talk to you’

‘Hi’ I said, rather puzzled.
‘Hello’ she replied, ‘We are having dinner now. Why don’t you call Maggie later?’
‘I can’t, I will be busy’
‘Ok, then call her tomorrow. I know you two will talk for an hour, all through dinner’

And then the line went dead. Did she cut me off? I didn’t know, but I furious, telling myself I would not call her back….. ever.

End of part 1

Can you do that?

January 2003

So we said our goodbyes, and I jumped in a taxi to Central Station to get the airport express. I refused Maggie’s offer to travel with me as far as the station.

Later, as I headed toward the gate, to board the plane, my phone rang, ‘honey, I miss you already, I love you, do you know that. Mother said, I shouldn’t let you go if it makes me so unhappy’

‘Babe, don’t be unhappy, remember we will see each other soon’
‘Honey, I know. I have no doubt, but I don’t want to be a parting any more. When I am with you, I am so happy. Honey, say we will be together forever. Promise me honey, can you do that?’

So I promised.

Feeling good, I boarded the plane and an hour later I was airborne. I chose not to sleep this time, so that I could take plenty of fluids and regular exercise. Around 5am I landed in Heathrow, sent Maggie a text, picked up my car and headed for the London office.

The day was uneventful. I called Maggie around 2pm, and then left early for the long drive home. It being Friday, the traffic was heavy, giving me plenty of time to think…..


Maybe I could see Maggie one more time….. I don’t think anyone suspected anything thus far…….but how could I bring her to the UK?……. so close to home……. what possible excuse could I give?....... there’s no chance……… unless I can find another way….

A plan

January 2003

We used a condom again that night, and again Maggie went through the same ceremony with it when we'd finished.

'What happened to the one from last night' I asked. I'd forgotten to dispose of it in the morning.
'I kept it' she informed me
'You did?' I was more than a little suprised. 'Are you going to keep that one too?'
'Yes' she said

It was our last night again, and we had no idea, when we would see each other again. Despite that though, I did not feel the same degree of sadness, that I felt last time I left Hong Kong. I couldn't say why that was. I didn't want to leave her, but I knew I would do so this time without tears.


The next morning, I agreed a late checkout with the hotel, and walked Maggie to the Metro as always. We agreed to meet back at the hotel.


We met early, I checked out, leaving my luggage with hotel security, and we walked towards Wan Chai to have noodles. We didn't talk much, until Maggie interupted the silence by asking, 'honey, would you like me to come to London for Chinese New Year?'

Without thinking I said 'yeah that would be fantastic, when is Chinese New Year?'
'End of January, I think, let me ask my mother'. And with that she smiled, 'so happy now, I know when I can see you again'

We ate our noodles, collected our luggage, and caught a taxi to Maggie's house. On arrival, Maggie and her mother were immediately in discussion, for what seemed like an age.

'I just told my mother our plan, I will meet you in London for Chinese New Year'
'What did she say?'
'She is very happy too. Now I can feel more secure'

New phone

January 2003

The buffet was very good, although Maggie and I did not really do it justice. Maggie's mother however, ate until she could eat no more. Maggie had a coupon from a local paper, entitling one of us to dine for free, 'see honey, I save the money for you'.

Maggie's mother caught a taxi home, and we decided to walk for a while, and headed toward Admiralty and Causeway Bay.

'I was thinking' I said, 'since your phone isn't working, maybe we could look for another one for you'
'Very thoughtful, honey, everyone will see how you take care of me. I know the best places to look'

It seemed that all the best places were in Causeway Bay, but that didn't stop us looking in several shops along the way. By the time we got to Causeway Bay, she had pretty much decided on a small Siemens phone, now she wanted to find the best deal.

We toured the shops, and found one where they offered a for extras for free. Mobile phones were more expensive in Hong Kong than I had thought, but it was already too late to think about that.

Then she said, 'I will just call my brother, see what he says' I was annoyed by this, didn't she think we could manage to buy a mobile phone on our own. Why did we need help?

Anyway, the advice from her brother seemed fairly ambiguous. So we returned to the shop, and bought the phone. By now it was late, so on leaving the shop, we headed down toward Victoria Park, and North Point.

I dropped back for a second, Maggie's phone rang, 'a call already' she said with a little curiosity, 'hello'.
'Babe' I said laughing, 'I just wanted to be the first person to call you on your new phone'

An idea.

January 2003

'What could I do?' I asked. 'I would just have to accept it'
'But honey, wouldn't you try to get me back?'
'No. I'd assume if you said you wanted to break up that your mind was made up'
'Oh' she said
'Sorry babe, have I upset you?'
'No, just quite tired now'


I awoke the next morning with the same uncomfortable feeling. And that night was our last, I was flying home on Thursday. I began to worry that the trip would end on a bad note.

When I got to the office, I sent her an email, asking why she had talked about breaking up. I knew the question had been hypothetical, but the tone of my note suggested that she had worried me.

'Don't worry honey' She wrote, 'I will never break up with you. You are the person, I will spend the rest of my life with. I have no doubt. We can never break up. You promise? Promise you will stay with me forever. I can't live without you'

My mood improved.

I had lunch with Henry, and asked him about the job market and property prices in Hong Kong. The job market was very tight at the time, but he promised to look out for me, if I was interested. And property prices were lower than I'd expected. And I began to wonder.

After lunch I tried to call Maggie, but could not get connection, which was unusual. Eventually, I called her desk phone, something I did only rarely, to avoid causing her complications at work.
'My hand phone doesn't work again' she said.

We arrange to meet in Central again, where we would also meet her mother and take her to a buffet dinner. 'My mother loves to eat' she said, and then 'honey, do you know how much I love you?'

My mood improved some more, and I had an idea. One final gesture that I thought would help end the trip on a high note.

Trying to provoke

January 2003

Again we stayed awake late into the night; talking, kissing, on more than one occassion I went down on her again. Every time the result was the same, it seemed so amasing.

Then I held her in my arms, the TV was on in the background, but we gave it little attention, I looked at the clock, it was 2am,

Then she started talking about film stars that she liked, most of whom, I didn't know. Keanu Reeves was her favourite, although she said she only liked him in one movie called 'Speed'. Apparently her work colleagues had called her Mrs Reeves, for a long while, since she talked about him so much after watching the film with her mother.

Of course she was trying to provoke me, trying to see if she could make me jealous. I didn't react, although in truth, I did feel hurt listening to this, so soon after she was calling me her superman. I don't think my face betrayed my feelings though. I said simply 'oh yeah, I'm afraid I don't know him'

It left me with an unpleasant feeling though, and this was made worse when she started saying 'mmmmm Ben Affleck, mmmmm George Clooney, so handsome'.

At the time, I didn't see the innocence of what was nothing more than a schoolgirl crush, and my mood worsened. I saw her comments as indicating a sexual interest in these film stars, it was a long time before I learnt that that was not the case.

Eventually, getting little or no response from me, she changed the subject, and asked 'honey what would you do if I broke up with you?'

Condom

January 2003

It was 11pm by the time we got back to the hotel, and 11.30pm when we climbed into bed. As we did so, I slipped a condom under my pillow. We hadn't used one before.

I have never liked condoms; I don't like the look of them, the smell of them, or the feel of them. Consequently, my experiences when using them have generally been disapponting. Whether this is purely pyschological I couldn't say.

I'd bought a pack before travelling. This variety made great claims about how sensitive they were. It sounded as if they were exactly what I needed, but I was sceptical. It was the first time I'd bought condoms for a very long time. I was surprised by the amount of choice. There was so much on offer, anything from strawberry flavour, to condoms for the larger man, to something that looked like a mountain bike tyre.

Since I had a difficult history with condom, I was worried about using one with Maggie. She was always telling me what a fantastic lover I was, I didn't want to spoil anyting now.

So I had a plan. I decided that I would only put the condom on, at the very last minute. She had let me enter her the previous night without one, so I didn't expect any questions.

Maggie had already come several times, when I started to feel my pleasure increase. I held myself at that point for quite a while, as Maggie came again and again. Finally, I withdrew, as slipped the condom on as quickly as I could. Maggie watched me, 'Oh yes honey' she said.

We came together. 'Oh honey, so wonderful, and you come too. Honey, I love to know you come too. You are the best. You are genious. You are superman. From now on I will call you SS thats Sexy Superman. Oh so incredible. Do you know I come more than ten times? Oh honey you are the superman, its true'

I withdrew again, slipped the condom off, and tied a knot in the end, ready to throw it away. 'Let me see honey' she said, taking the used condom from my hand.

'Wah, look at that, is it protein honey?'
'I don't really know'

She played with it, squeezing the tip between her thumb and forefinger, feeling its warmth. Then she pressed it to her face, smelling it, feeling it. After that, holding the top of the condom, she lowered it onto her breast, allowing the tip to gently carress her nipple. 'So amazing' she said.

I kissed her other breast. She was excited again. She put the condom on the side of the bed, and I moved my head down, until I felt her come again.

Kowloon side

January 2003

The next morning, I had difficulty getting Maggie to wake up. We had talked late into the night. So after I had taken a shower, I climbed back into bed, under the covers and woke her with my tongue. 'Oh, such a wonderful alarm clock' she said.

Around 11.00am I received an email:

'Honey, I arrange with sister to meet them for dinner on Kowloon side at 7.00pm. I hope is ok with you?

For a joke, I wrote back; 'Yes that's fine babe, you have a nice time, I will see you back at the hotel'

Her reply 'Honey, of course I will not go to dinner with them on my own when you are here, I mean for you to come with me. We don't have to go, if you have another plan. You know you are my priority. Let me know'

After that I called her and said that of course we should go, and we arranged to meet in Central, where we would walk through to catch the ferry.

The view from the ferry, as it leaves Hong Kong island for the short crossing to Kowloon, is spectacular. And as I stood there, I found myself reflecting on how dramatically my life had changed in the last two months. Here I was, six thousand miles from home, enjoying world famous scenery, with my lover by my side.

After dinner, Maggie pulled a newspaper out of her bag. 'Honey, can we go and look at this?' She asked, pointing to a property development advertisement. 'It's not too far'

Then she added, 'It's not a very good location, but I thought there is no harm to look'

There were three display homes to view, and a model of the overall development. Even the biggest of the three appartments seemed incredibly small. Maggie spent a long time looking around each one, and asked a lot of questions of the sales people that were following us.

It was nearly two hours later, as we left, that Maggie said, 'nice houses huh honey?'